Finally, a life insurance company that says it to your face
Not today, probably. But it's on the calendar. The Death Insurance pays your family an obscene pile of tax‑free money when the inevitable happens — which it will, to you, specifically, at some point, guaranteed.
Every life insurance company on Earth sells exactly one thing: death. They just won't say it. They say "peace of mind." They say "protecting what matters most." They show you golden retrievers and lake houses and a man in a cardigan hugging his daughter at a reasonable hour.
We show you the actuarial table. Life insurance is a bet with only one possible outcome: you will die, and your family will either receive a fat, tax‑free check — or a GoFundMe with a sad photo and a $4,300 balance. We think the check is better.
That's it. That's the entire industry, minus the whispering.
The numbers, unfortunately
Interactive · Form DI‑204
Enter three facts. Receive one uncomfortable estimate and a live countdown you will think about in the shower tonight.
Your results will appear here, whether you're ready for them or not. Much like the thing they estimate.
Time remaining: —
Coverage · Choose your exit package
All plans include the same core feature: your family gets paid and you get remembered as the one who handled it.
from $23/MO · SERIOUSLY
A simple wager: if you die in the next 20–30 years, your family gets six or seven figures. If you don't, you lose the bet by staying alive. Everyone wins.
Permanent · LIKE THE CONDITION IT COVERS
Coverage that lasts exactly as long as you do, with a cash value that grows while you slowly don't.
Flagship · FOR FUTURE RICH DEAD PEOPLE
For people who intend to die wealthy and are frankly furious about the "die" part.
Verified reviews · Sort of
Our customers can't leave reviews. Their beneficiaries absolutely can.
"Gary said life insurance was a scam. Gary was wrong about that, and also about the ladder."
"Dad spent thirty years saying he'd 'get around to it.' He finally did — two years before the heart attack. Best procrastination outcome of his life."
"The check cleared before the casseroles stopped coming."
Frequently avoided questions
You will. We've run the numbers on roughly 117 billion humans to date and the streak is intact. This is the most guaranteed product in the history of commerce — we are literally selling you a sure thing.
You know what's dark? A funeral GoFundMe stuck at $4,300 with a photo of your kids on it. We're the light-hearted option. We just do our grieving before the funeral, in the form of paperwork.
Yes. Vending machine, golf cart, the phrase "watch this" — after the policy's early period, we pay regardless of how creative you were. Your family gets the money and gets to keep the story. That's two inheritances.
No. This remains our number one complaint from people who are no longer able to complain. The entire trick of life insurance is buying it while you're annoyingly healthy — which, congratulations, is right now.
The jokes are jokes. The coverage is real — real A‑rated carriers, real underwriting, real seven-figure checks handed to real families at the worst week of their lives. Death is the one thing we'd never joke about. (That's a lie. It's all we joke about. But the checks are extremely real.)
Usually less than the pizza you had delivered last Tuesday. A healthy 35-year-old can lock in $500,000 for roughly the monthly price of one streaming service they forgot they pay for. Scroll up and run your numbers — the calculator is judging you either way.
Thirty seconds of typing now, or your family learns what "probate" means later. Drop your email and a licensed human — not a reaper, disappointingly — will price your demise.
By submitting, you acknowledge that you are mortal. No further disclosures required.
Fate: sealed.
An agent of the inevitable will reach out within one business day. In the meantime, feel free to continue existing — you're really good at it so far.